sometimes you don’t understand why you do the things you do, even though you know they’re bad for you. 

one always leads to too many. is it addiction? binge drinking? blackout culture? or maybe it’s a way to self-medicate the paranoia and escape reality. but is the desire to escape anxiety through alcohol (for only a few hours) worth increased anxiety for weeks after the fact? apparently so, otherwise any sane person would stop. but then again, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. am I there?

I know most of my thoughts are irrational (yet I still believe them). sometimes I can’t say them out loud because I know they’re too crazy. and when I’m sober, all of these thoughts are bouncing back and forth in my head, 24/7. some nights, I’ll lay awake until 4 in the morning just thinking. well, not so much thinking…more like worrying and coming up with every possible scenario that could make even the simplest situation sketch.

it seems that every drug makes me talk. a lot. even weed. I’ve come to the conclusion that I talk so much because I have all these thoughts that I usually feel too afraid to say.

it’s a tricky situation and I must find balance.